FRom airplanes and supermarkets to traffic jams and, of course online it feels like everyone is angry. Is it any wonder? Politics has become more polarized and bad-mouthed than at any time in living memory, wars are at the top of the news agenda, and we are in a cost-of-living crisis. It’s no surprise that people are freaking out.
Anger itself is not necessarily negative. “Anger is a fixed emotion that is our defense against a threat,” says Dr Nadja Heym, associate professor of personality psychology and psychopathology at Nottingham Trent University. “It’s normal, healthy and evolutionarily important.”
It can be a powerful force for good, say David Woolfson, anger specialist and psychotherapist. “Anger drives us to achieve things – to fight for justice and causes, to win marathons, to right wrongs.”
Anger’s bad reputation is due to the behavior it can provoke. Anger can drive us to react poorly and then regret it, so it’s helpful to know how to process it healthily. Here are 22 suggestions.
Count to three
“When we are highly excited, we struggle to think,” says Heym. “Getting past that physiological arousal is an important part of reducing the risk of behaving in a way that is inappropriate and that we later regret. Stop, count to three, think and then act. It engages your cognitive brain, calms you down and gives you time to process whether this is a real threat, or whether the response is proportionate.”
Splash water on your face
“Anger engages the sympathetic nervous system, which increases energy and gets us ready to act,” says Erica Curtis, a US-based marriage and family therapist and author of a forthcoming book, Work creatively with anger. “Sometimes that energy surge is quick and intense, prompting us to do something impulsive, unproductive and even harmful. Reduce the angry energy by repeatedly splashing cold water on your face while holding your breath.”
Find a physical distraction
Heym points out that a physical distraction can sometimes help bring down the intensity of angry feelings. “Some people might have a rubber band on their wrist to blink,” she says. “Or you can run up and down the stairs five times, so that angry energy can go somewhere before you start thinking again.”
Doodle angry words
Feeling the urge to yell at someone? Curtis says putting pen to paper is a better way to get clarity and meet your underlying needs. Think about what made your blood boil and “try ‘screaming’ on paper by drawing angry words that come to mind”, says Curtis. Then take it a step further: “Think of more vulnerable feelings like ‘abandoned’, ‘hurt’, ’embarrassed’, ‘jealous’ – and write them down. Then add your needs and wants. Finally, circle words that will help you clearly and non-aggressively communicate a need.”
Become a fly
When you’re in an upsetting situation, “try to create distance between yourself and your angry thoughts and feelings,” says Christian Jarrett, cognitive neuroscientist and author of Be Who You Want. “Try to imagine the scene from a third-person perspective, as if you were a fly on the wall. Or step outside yourself and describe what is happening using your name and third person pronouns.”
Another way to distance yourself from intense emotions, according to Curtis, is to “imagine your anger as a color, shape, or form separate from yourself. It doesn’t have to make sense—just notice the space between you and your anger. If necessary, imagine asking it to give you a little more space or to step back from it so you can see the edges of it. This can lessen its intensity.”
Prevent and prevent
Some anger that almost invites us, so it helps to run through what can happen – and cause annoyance – before we do anything. A classic example is road rage. “It’s completely predictable,” says Woolfson. “There’s going to be traffic, and somebody’s going to cut me off, so what am I going to do if they do? Absolutely nothing. I get mad because I’m making it personal, but will it matter by the time I get home?” No, it won’t.
Turn your focus
Constantly upset by the news? “Many people form their identity around what they dislike and oppose,” says William DeFoore, author of Goodfinding: A User’s Guide to EQ and Your Brilliant Mind. “Such people will always be angry.” Instead, he says, focus on “what you like, what you believe in, what you support and what you want more of”.
Find someone to speak for
“I can make noise on you or at you,” says Woolfson. “It’s a very important distinction; when i scream at you, I push you into a corner, but if I say, ‘I really need to get something off my chest, will you listen?’, we have a communication that brings us closer.”
Punch a pillow
Release, according to DeFoore, can be a healthy way to express anger. He suggests “hitting a pillow or a mattress or yelling alone, not directed at anyone”. Woolfson agrees: “I teach people to hit pillows or to sit in the car without anyone around and just roar.” He likes to point out that these techniques don’t get rid of the underlying anger, they just deal with it in the moment.
Be proactive
Many of us feel outraged about the state of the world. “Find constructive ways to channel those legitimate feelings, by writing to a newspaper or your MP; or getting involved in a grassroots campaign,” suggests Jarrett.
… or do nothing
The urge may be to lash out, hit something or burst into tears, but Woolfson says: “If you can’t do anything when you’re angry, you do a lot, because otherwise you’d do all those unpleasant things. Hold your anger and say, ‘I feel really angry right now. I feel like doing and saying really unpleasant things, but I choose not to.’ Your behavior is always a choice.”
Hug your pet
“Cuddle with your pet, your child or your partner,” says Heym. “Embrace releases oxytocin, a hormone we think of it as being for bonding, but it’s also important in threat processing, where we have to fight or deal with it in other ways.”
Write an email to yourself
Want to give someone a piece of your mind? “I write an email to myself and spell out all the things that I never want to say, but that I want to admit,” says Woolfson. “You’ll come back to it a few days later, when you’re in a mature state, and think, ‘Thank God I didn’t say or send that’.”
Limit exposure
Does it feel like there is anger everywhere? “It depends on where you look, what you read and watch, and who you listen to,” says DeFoore. “If you’re taking in disturbing, frightening or upsetting information, you’re naturally going to experience more anger.” Curtis says, “Close the app, close the laptop, find something positive or soothing. “ Read uplifting news to balance the negative. We are not wired to sustain constant streams of disturbing news.”
Walk in nature
Feeling wrapped up? “Go for a long walk in nature and reflect on it,” says Heym. “There is a lot of research showing that walking in a biophilic environment reduces anxiety and stress levels.”
Look past the anger
“It’s hard to put a lid on a boiling pot: the more you try to push it down, the more pressure you build up and eventually it’s going to explode,” says Woolfson. “That pressure usually involves ignoring all the feelings that drive anger, which are often hurt, fear, shame, sadness. When we don’t pay attention to it, we build up the anger ourselves.”
Exhale
Think you’re going to blow a fuse? Blow out instead. “Try to exhale completely until you’re forced to inhale, and repeat several times,” says Curtis.
Take a cold shower
“You’re tense and getting hot, like that cooling down can be a good way to lower that temperature,” says Heym. “For example, we know that when the temperature rises, aggression tends to rise. This is because we feel irritated in hot or crowded places and being uncomfortable increases the risk that we will react.”
Anger is often caused when we feel ashamed of ourselves. If you feel angry because you made a mistake (for example, accidentally deleting an important file), Curtis advises, “Keep asking yourself what it says about you that something went wrong until you have a negative belief has that bird true – even if you know it isn’t. Get curious about attitudes like ‘I will never succeed’ and then test those attitudes against the facts. These unquestioned long-held beliefs may have very little to do with your current situation.”
Taking a deep breath
“When we’re hyper-excited, we breathe shallowly, which pumps up our sympathetic nervous system,” says Heym. The sympathetic nervous system triggers the fight-or-flight response. “Taking three or four deep breaths and focusing on our breath tends to reduce our anger.”
Cry
Want to burst into tears? “Why not? Releasing our emotions in a proportionate and appropriate way is better than bottling them up,” says Heym.
Choose calmness
Remind yourself that your response is a choice. “I’ve been asked by my children: ‘Why don’t you just lose it?’ I say, ‘That’s not the person I want to be, but I’ll let you know in a quiet and polite way that I’m mad at you,’ ” Woolfson says. “The stereotype of anger is yelling and being abusive, but we can choose to express anger in an honest, contained, dignified, healthy way.”
Photography Assistant: Georgie Wilding
