December can often feel like a never-ending ordeal as we try to find the perfect gifts for our nearest and dearest. No matter how well we know someone, we struggle to discern their hidden wishes and desires. Every decision can feel like a test of our relationship. This is a natural consequence of the brain’s operation. Humans may be unique in our advanced ability to consider others’ points of view, but taking perspective is very taxing on our little gray cells.
“It takes a lot of mental energy,” says Prof Julian Givi at West Virginia University. As a result, our choices of gifts are extremely prone to error. Researchers like Givi have now identified a host of cognitive biases that lead our judgments astray, causing us to waste our money and miss opportunities for greater social connection.
Fortunately, the art and science of gift giving can be learned. By recognizing the most common mistakes, we can immediately improve our choices to ensure that we bring maximum satisfaction to the people we love.
Think beyond the moment
Many of our mistakes stem from a kind of myopia. The person giving the gift is fixated on the single moment of the exchange – they want a gift that will elicit the greatest immediate response, even if the pleasure is short-lived. However, recipients tend to feel greater gratitude for gifts that bring long-term enjoyment.
“There is a natural perspective gap,” says Prof Adelle Yang at the National University of Singapore. She calls it the “smile-seeking hypothesis” and found strong evidence for the idea with a series of surveys. Consider Valentine’s Day gifts. She found that donors would prefer to buy, for example, a bouquet of blooming flowers, which may look stunning at the time of exchange but will soon lose their petals, while recipients would prefer a houseplant that they could care for for weeks afterward.
If you’re worried about falling for this bias, ask yourself if you would make the same choice if you were to send the gift by mail. Yang found that people tend to make the better decision when they know that they will not be physically present at the opening, and therefore will not be able to witness the immediate reaction of the person receiving the gift.
Our focus on the moment of exchange can account for many other cries. People tend to go off piste rather than buy a gift that is already on someone’s wish list, for example. Givers want to see the surprise when they open the gift, but receivers prefer to get the gifts they actually requested.
“Surprise gifts are doubly problematic,” says Prof Jeffrey Galak, who studies the psychology of gifts at Carnegie Mellon University. “Not only do you get the wrong thing, but if you’re close friends or romantic partners, there’s nothing you can do about it.” It seems incredibly ungrateful to ask for a refund. As our cluttered homes attest, the unwanted gifts of Christmas past can haunt us for many months or years after the event.
Consider experiences about tangible goods
The smile-seeking hypothesis may also explain why we prefer to buy material gifts: a fancy new watch or necklace compared to concert tickets or a cooking lesson, for example. The giver is excited to have something big and shiny to hand over, but the new and exciting experiences tend to bring greater overall happiness, and memories of the occasion will linger long after the material gifts have lost their luster. “When you’re optimizing your choices for the exchange, you want to give the most dazzling thing you can deliver,” says Galak. “But it does the recipient a disservice.”
Forget the price tag
For many people, gifts are about the price tag. We pay as much as we can afford in the belief that the cost reflects our esteem for the person. However, the psychological research suggests that we greatly overestimate the importance of monetary value. “All the evidence suggests that cost has little to do with how well a gift is received,” says Galak. Plus, we’re more likely to flash the cash with people who are already rich than poorer people who may have a greater need for a little luxury.
The potential for social comparison only increases our preoccupation with price. We worry that someone else’s ostentatious greatness will overshadow our efforts; Galak and Givi’s research suggests that some people will refuse to give gifts altogether if they believe they cannot keep up with the “competition”. In fact, the relative value of people’s gifts makes very little difference to the way they are perceived; each present tends to be considered on its own merits. “[Our fears] don’t play out on the receiver’s side,” says Galak. “They’re just happy to get a gift.”
Avoid your selfishness
In some situations, we may even be influenced by feelings of envy towards the recipients themselves. Imagine your sister asked for a pair of new sunglasses for Christmas. You get a stylish pair that you know she’ll love, but they’ll make your own shades look unfashionable in comparison. In such situations, people will often choose to choose a lower quality gift: they would rather risk disappointing the recipient than trigger jealous feelings in themselves.
Our desire to feel unique can also be a barrier. You may know that your friend is pining for a piece of Beatles memorabilia that you own, for example, when you find the same item in an online marketplace. It would make the perfect gift, but you want to remain the only person you know who owns this coveted item. If you buy it for the other person, you won’t feel so special anymore. As a result, you choose a completely different gift – one that won’t generate nearly as much gratitude.
“We think of gift-giving as an act of altruism, but these self-serving motivations can come into play,” says Givi. And by ignoring that selfishness, we can make much better choices.
Overcome your fear of sentimentality
If you feel close enough to someone, you can choose something of sentimental value, such as a photo or scrapbook that celebrates your relationship. It can feel a little bare. When considering sentimental gifts, people often worry that their friend or significant other would prefer to receive something with a higher price tag and greater practicality. But Givi and Galak’s research shows that those assumptions are wrong; people would rather receive the item with greater emotional resonance.
If you feel nervous about making this choice yourself, rest assured that Givi does what it preaches. “Almost any time you give a sentimental gift, it ends up being a home run,” he says. “It makes people really, really happy.”
