Iit’s refreshing to read a psychology book intended for mainstream audiences that doesn’t try to push you towards a particular goal; to achieve more, to work harder. Thanks to the rapid societal and technological changes of the past century, self-actualization is now possible for more of us than ever before. As welcome as it may seem, self-actualization is hard work, and possibilities can quickly become standards we don’t live up to. Consciously or unconsciously, our unlived potential can haunt us and provoke us to strive until we burn out.
In this book, the second in a planned trilogy, and a follow-up to 2015’s How we are, health psychologist Deary delivers a much-needed message: we have a limited capacity to deal with the unpredictable challenges life throws at us. The concept of allostatic load (the wear and tear of chronic stress) pops up repeatedly. In chapter four, we are introduced to Anne, a single mother struggling to care for her son and father while working as a probation officer (Deary’s case studies are compilations of patients he treated in a fatigue clinic). Anne looked at everyone but herself. As her life becomes more difficult and complex, her ability to function is gradually eroded until she falls into a state of chronic fatigue. During a course of psychotherapy, she understands the vulnerability that comes from doing too much for too long, to the point that a few ordinary problems can throw you over the edge.
A particular strength of the book is the way in which Deary weaves between different schools of thought within psychology, philosophy and religion. The result is not simply a discussion of abstract ideas, but a collection of valuable observations about what it means to be human in the modern world, taking into account biological, social and economic realities. In chapter eight, we meet Fred, a freelance editor in his early 30s who is chronically exhausted from anxiety and panic attacks. We are shown how his anxiety (exacerbated by the Covid-19 lockdown) has shrunk his world to the size of his house, effectively leaving him a prisoner of his own state of mind. The process of reclaiming his life then proceeds gradually, one small step at a time.
The different chapters work as stand-alone essays and discuss many different questions. How do stories and narratives shape us? What is the difference between helpful and destructive thinking? How do dysfunctional psychological processes like anxiety or anorexia come into our possession? What does it mean to have a healthy relationship with yourself? The resulting insights apply whether or not we have a diagnosable mental health condition.
How We Break may not be quite as resonant for people who haven’t encountered some of the more punishing aspects of life, or tend to live too much in their comfort zones. Of course, this kind of existence can come with its own collection of psychological problems. Humans are essentially anti-fragile, meaning that we actually become stronger when exposed to stress and problems. Many aspects of modern life have made it easier for us to isolate ourselves from problems, and we are only now beginning to see what this can mean for the mental health of younger people. Rather, this book is for those who have experienced too much, too soon or too long, whose reach has exceeded their grasp, who may be hyper-able and yet have little to no self-esteem.
The third installment of the trilogy will be called How We Mend. Meanwhile, this book offers a cathartic meditation on how difficult life can be. Although the concept of self-care has become an overused and sometimes unhelpful trope on social media, Deary makes a compelling argument for the necessity of self-compassion. He guides us to a more human understanding of our suffering and offers practical advice to navigate life’s ups and downs with greater grace and equanimity.
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