I knew I was in trouble the day my preschooler came home smelling of wood smoke and told me he had been practicing “knife skills”. When his twin siblings requested a saw for their second birthday, I realized I had crossed the Rubicon: I had become an accidental mother of Vikings. It wasn’t supposed to be this way. Carefree and childless, I moved from London to Denmark, but despite planning to stay only a year, I’m still here a decade and three children later. So I have skin in the Viking game. And Nordic kids do things differently. They eat differently, learn differently, play, dress, even sleep differently – with babies left outside in their prams to sleep in sub-zero temperatures. They sing, fight, climb, fall and rise again. They are out in nature for hours a day – despite the fact that the weather is terrible (we’re talking Mordor from October to March).
Nordics rarely come across as happy people – preferring “scheduled fun” to anything approaching spontaneity. And yet… Nordic countries regularly top Unicef rankings in terms of happiness, education and equality with the highest rates of well-being, worldwide. Some aspects of their parenting can be applied wherever you are, while others can act as inspiration. So here are a few things I’ve learned about raising a Viking.
1. Every day in every way, play
Play is so big in the Nordic countries, they named it twice. The verb forms of “play” in Danish, Finnish, Swedish, Icelandic and Norwegian refer specifically to enjoyable, unstructured and intrinsically motivated activities. But if you play sports, a board game, or a musical instrument, you use spill in Danish and Norwegian, spela in Swedish, play in Icelandic and pelata in Finnish. Professor Ellen Beate Hansen Sandseter at Queen Maud University College Norway says: “Studies following children from birth show that it’s not those who climb a tree, fall and break a leg who have a fear of heights – it’s those who never climb a tree didn’t climb.” Play fights are another important part of a child’s development, learning cooperation, self-confidence and appropriate judgment. “You have to let children fight sometimes,” one Danish mother tells me. They must “have conflict, to see if they can resolve it and get themselves to the peace table”. Scary in the short term, useful in the long term (or so I’m told).
2. Teach children how to think not what to think
Vikings don’t start school until six years old (seven in Finland). They are relieved with short days, no grades, tests or homework until about the age of 11. Sabilah Eboo Alwani of the Faculty of Education at the University of Cambridge, believes this is a good thing, as: “the early start of a lot of homework erodes quality time from a developmental point of view.” The Danish system is based on teaching according to interests and, “They are taught to think – not just pass exams,” says teacher Louise Lingaard. Children learn to stand up for themselves, with speaking part of the school routine from six, while reading comes later – around eight. By age 15, Nordic countries rank above the OECD average, with Finland ahead of the UK and the US overall. The lesson here, regardless of different school systems, is to let a child develop his own interests and read at his own pace. Research shows that pressuring children to read too early causes stress and later readers easily catch up early, and even surpass.
3. There is no such thing as bad weather
Nordic people of all nationalities have variations on this mantra and studies show that spending time outdoors improves cooperation, reduces stress, helps with concentration and evens out differences between low and high achieving children. And yet three quarters of British children spend less time outside than prisoners. In Norway, friluftsliv – or “free air life” – is similar to a secular religion and many Swedes attend “nature school” on Saturday. From childhood, Nordics develop that Stanford University social psychologist Kari Leibowitz call a “positive wintertime mindset”. Learning to dress the part is key. “In much of the world when it’s cold, people still dress normally to go out, and then wonder why they’re uncomfortable,” says Leibowitz. My kids now own snow suits, rain suits, “wind suits”, balaclavas, thermal underwear, gloves, waterproof mitten “shells”, snow boots and rain boots. Develop a positive mindset by wearing more winter-friendly clothes and remember, there is no such thing as the wrong weather, just the wrong clothes.
4. Not every picture has to go on the fridge
While many cultures embrace the idea that constant praise boosts the development of self-esteem (“Who’s my SMART BOY! That’s the BEST poo EVER!”), Danes do not. Vikings believe that overpraising leads to inflated egos and a weak sense of self. It creates the idea that everyone is worthy, just because. “When children say: ‘Look at this!’ it’s their way of asking for our attention,” says Danish family therapist Sophie Munster. “They don’t really ask for praise. So it is better to teach them to evaluate things themselves, otherwise they will spend their lives looking for external validation.” As one friend put it: “I’ll never know if my parents thought something I did was good, but also, it wasn’t important. I assumed they loved me. It was taken for granted, not based on performance.” Danes replace praise with interest and ask “How did you do that?” or “Tell me more.” “It shows children that we care about them – not their ‘results’,” says Münster. As well as less positive praise, there also tend to be. There is also less negative judgement. When toddlers discover their autonomy in English-speaking countries, they are categorized as being in the “terrible twos”. But in Danish it is known as “the border age” as it is normal to push boundaries – not “terrible”.
5. Singing together is good for society
Danes love to sing and many schools still have group singing every morning, which has been shown to release the bonding hormone oxytocin, which lowers stress, while the synchronicity of breathing together creates feelings of connectedness. Researchers from the University of Aarhus have found this sing strengthen feelings of community and social cohesion. During the pandemic, Danish choir master Philip Faber led daily songs on the Danish equivalent of the BBC to boost morale. “Many confuse ‘group singing’ with ‘beautiful-sounding choirs’,” says Faber, “but it’s the experience rather than the outcome that matters. In a world where everything is ‘me me me’, singing together is like a starry night. You feel small and insignificant, but also not alone and like you belong. It’s the best feeling in the world.” Disappearing into group song is the perfect communal pursuit for the nation that brought us Jante’s law – a set of attitudes said to govern Danish life where everyone is equal and showing off is frowned upon. It doesn’t have to sound good – it just has to feel good.
6. Family meals are sacred
The idea of sitting down and eating as a family is highly valued in Nordic society. Even a CEO is allowed to say in a 4pm meeting, “I have to leave now to get the kids.” And then go home, to eat as a family. Most Danish homes are centered around a dining table with the express purpose of prioritizing family meals. Wherever you live, there are still real benefits to aiming for a home-cooked family meal once a week to reconnect. If you can cook from scratch even better, but keep in mind that it’s less about what you eat for dinner and more about who you eat it with.
7. Accept that family comes in many forms
There are 37 different types of family units in it Denmark, while Sweden, Norway and Iceland have more births out of wedlock than in it – 67% of Icelandic babies are born out of wedlock. In the US and the UK, these family formations are associated with worse off and can attract stigma, but in Nordic countries they are embraced. Former Finnish Prime Minister Sanna Marin was raised by two female parents, while Denmark’s Prime Minister Mette Frederiksen came to power as a single mother of two. No matter how a family is formed, there is a broad acceptance – and children learn this from an early age – that every family is different but equal with its own strengths and weaknesses… just like ours.
How to Raise a Viking – The Secrets of Parenting the World’s Happiest Children by Helen Russell (4th estate£16.99) or £14.95 from guardianbookshop.com
