Ssome people are just charmers. They can sweet talk an otherwise immobile doorman, entice a small child to pick up their toys without protest, and smile their way to a freebie. But being a barker isn’t the preserve of a select few loudmouths and self-aggrandizing entrepreneurs; highly persuasive people walk among us. I know, I married one.
Lost the receipt? Does not matter; my handsome, soft-spoken husband somehow gets the item back. A complimentary upgrade to business class? It is known. He is particularly clever at letting himself off the hook – for example, having a missed appointment fee waived. There was even the incident where he smashed a bus window (an accident, he insists) and the bus company sent him a letter to apologize.
He is not famous and he is not rich; he’s just a nice man with the gift of the gab. It helps that in his line of work – running films and photo shoots – a lot of people are asked to do things, so his persuasive skills are constantly being honed.
But how exactly do highly persuasive people like him do it? What are their secrets?
Flatter – and understand what makes the other person tick
A TV and radio producer for 20 years, Dan Jackson is adept at persuading people – famous or not – to star in productions ranging from The South Bank Show and BBC Radio 4’s Beyond Belief to Jeremy Kyle. “I spend time talking to each potential guest, getting to know their story or perspective.” It makes the person feel desired.
Then, when it’s time to pop the question, Jackson lays it out clearly. “Everything is a transaction. I tell them: ‘This is what you will get out of it’, hopefully I know from our conversations what will resonate.” This may be the chance to take their ideas to a larger audience.
Sometimes a guest will change their mind. “The first thing I say is: ‘It’s going to be worse without you.’ If it’s for a debate and I’m talking to an academic, I’d say, ‘If you’re not here, the other person can control the debate and your perspective is essential.’ Reinforce how valid their opinion is.”
Build rapport and never break a promise
The reason flattery helps is that it builds rapport. Rapport – that sense of mutual understanding and interest – is the foundation of all persuasion. “First you get people to like you, then you get them to trust you,” says Suzanne Williams, a hostage negotiator. “If you’re caught lying, things are never the same. So never break your promises.”
Active listening is key to building rapport. It means show that you hear people. “Maintain eye contact,” she says. “The occasional nod is important, as is labeling how people feel, so add, ‘That must have been upsetting.'” But try to avoid phrases like “I understand,” says Williams. “They might say or think: ‘How can you possibly understand that?’ You are better off saying, ‘As I understand it,’ or, ‘If I understand correctly, this should help your situation.'”
Read the other person’s answers. If they don’t like a phrase, make sure you don’t use it again. “Pay attention to things like whether they are fidgeting, or avoiding eye contact. This can mean that they lose confidence in your conversation.”
Be sincere
Emma Serlin, founder of communications consultancy London Speech Workshop, says the art of persuasion depends on being sincere. Fixed rules about posture or stock phrases to use are therefore rubbish, she believes, “Because you have to deliver as yourself, you have to be real.”
Serlin’s work involves offering her clients – such as employees at the NHS or Waitrose – “strategies” for persuasion. A good starting point is flattery, or “making the soil fertile”. One of Serlin’s employees plans to quit after winning lottery money. “She wanted to write a children’s book,” she says. Serlin wished her employee would stay, but didn’t want to sound like she was on the woman’s dream, or belittle her. So she offered her a halfway proposal, which she offered as a benefit. “I told her she was great and that the book was going to be great. But I also told her, ‘Being a writer is hard; let’s call it a sabbatical, not quit.’” That kept the door open for now.
Choose your words wisely
For Priya Chaudhary, a talent manager who mostly represents internet celebrities, being subtle is essential. Her clients need to feel that she believes in them, so she has to choose her words carefully if, for example, she has to send a celebrity away from a brilliant idea.
She recalls having to talk a (white) rich reality TV star out of his big idea: to write a memoir about how to wear a Saudi Arabian thobe (the traditional ankle-length robe) for a few weeks. “He said he was overwhelmed by the desire to embrace Saudi dress,” says Chaudhary. This whim came out of nowhere. Her approach? Flatter him to show that she “gets” the client by saying, “I totally understand the intensity with which you must have felt that powerful connection,” before assigning the criticism to an unspecified person(s) by adding adding, “but I know I don’t want your passion to be misunderstood, with accusations that you’re fetishizing a culture.”
Be prepared
“Open questions,” says Williams, hostage negotiator. “So instead of asking, ‘Do you have a timeline?’ ask, ‘What’s your timeline?’ as it encourages them to give more information.” It also makes the conversation feel less like an interrogation and more equal and open.
Never come to any negotiation unprepared. “This means knowing what facts and information you are going to use, knowing what the meeting is about, knowing any important history between you. And never discuss politics, health or death,” because that can destroy the report instantly.
Does it all work away from the high-stakes world of hostage negotiation? “Absolutely,” says Williams: “I recently had to negotiate a new contract with my cell phone provider, and halfway through the conversation I think: I should have researched what deals other companies are offering.”
She ended up getting the contract she wanted.
Be ready to compromise
“You have to expect a compromise,” says Williams, “because if you’re prepared for it, you’re more likely to make sure it’s in your favor.”
This is how Rocco Santoro keeps his restaurant harmonious. The general manager of Kolae, an award-winning Thai restaurant in London’s Borough Market, is sometimes asked to mediate between customers and staff. He begins with active listening: “When there is a confrontation, it is usually because one side is not listening. So I really take in what they say, no matter how long it takes.” Complaints range from a customer getting upset because their table for two can’t be made into a table for five, to problems with certain ingredients. “Then I go to work to solve the problem,” adds Santoro.
Even out the power imbalance
Whether you’re talking to your superior at work, or you’re the boss because of status or expertise, rapport and trust can be elusive, so the best thing to do is engage as equals. This is something Martin Stagg knows well. He has been a family doctor for more than three decades and has documented his experiences in a forthcoming book, The Real Doc Martin.
“I remember one patient had abdominal pain. I told him I thought he had gallstones and he didn’t accept it. He said, “Well, your guess is as good as mine, doc.” I said, ‘I’d rather hope it’s a little better than that.’” Stagg recalls the patient’s sweet, and genuinely serious, response. “He said, ‘Don’t put yourself down, doc. I’m sure yours is as good as mine.’”
Isn’t there a risk that the patient loses trust in you if you accept that there are limits to your own knowledge? No, said Stagg. “The patrician style – doctor telling the patient what is best – has been shown to be less effective.” He says “engaging as equals” and bringing the patient into decisions about how best to manage a condition is the better way. This is because they are more likely to stick to a plan designed around their lives, rather than handed to them by someone in authority.
Tell a good story
Eldin Hasa is a business coach with an interest in neuroscience. Storytelling, he says, can be useful in helping people make sense of complex science or numbers. One of his clients, a startup in the crowded world of health and wellness brands, was in dire need of funding but was struggling to break even.
The CEO decided to change his mind and instead lead each presentation not with his own words, but those of a client who used the wellness products to help her cope with cancer treatment. “The sincere testimony became the catalyst,” says Hasa. They met their funding targets and were able to expand – not through bar graphs and spreadsheets, but through the moving story of a real, inspiring woman.
Adjust your behavior
One thing Hasa noticed is that applying the same methods over and over again is a recipe for disaster. The skill, he says, is to adapt the message to the audience, “to resonate with their needs”.
He remembers a story of a man who fought with him and his pregnant wife during a walk in the park. Rather than returning his aggression, Hasa simply asked with genuine concern, “Are you okay?”
“At first he kept shouting, but I kept my calm demeanor. Within minutes we were shaking hands and even exchanging a hearty hug.”
In a business meeting, when it seemed unstoppable to scuttle a real estate deal, Hasa took the showmanship route. “I stood up dramatically, locked the office door and declared that we would not leave until the sale was agreed and the contracts exchanged.” It did the trick; soon enough everyone involved felt happy to go with Hasa’s recommendations.
