The question My father was violent and my mother emotionally fragile. I took on a parental role from the age of about 11, trying to manage my father’s moods, keep my mother’s spirits up and take care of my younger brother. Mom often leansed on me and I felt responsible for her stability. We were often punished in cruel ways. I was also sexually abused by a family “friend”. When we finally escaped our father, Mom moved this friend into our first “safe” house as her life partner, where he continued to abuse me. As adults, my brother and I maintain strict boundaries and there are judgment of the wider family for this.
With a lot of therapy I’ve managed to forge a life for myself, which can still feel like it doesn’t belong to me, with a loving partner and warm friends. I worked in a professional role for 15 years. Still me struggle to feel confident and competent. I am often afraid of losing the life I have built. I keep in touch with Mom because I don’t want to hurt her and I know she doesn’t recognize how things were, but I don’t feel the “normal” feelings that people feel towards their parents.
Mum developed a deteriorating health condition. She is fragile and will need support. I feel conflicted between wanting to do the right thing and how challenging it is to be in her company. It is exhausting and terrifying. I can feel myself being pulled back into my old ways of coping, like allowing my anorexia to resurface.
Philippa’s answer You’ve worked so hard to build a great life for yourself and you still have to be diligent about keeping impostor syndrome at bay, not to slip back into the mindset your childhood left you with. If you spend more time with the person who didn’t protect you – who neglected your needs but still had to take care of hers as a child – you will go back to the source of the mental health setbacks you suffered and what it will be like to returning to the fire after recovering for so long from a severe burn. It seems that when you are close to your mother, her hold over you is such that you can feel compelled to regain equilibrium by controlling what you can, what your food is, and if you are reactivated in an anorexic mindset, you can you even shorten your own life.
It may look bad to the outside world if you are not hands-on when looking after your mother, but you have to prioritize your own health. If she can’t take care of herself, you can inform adult social services where she lives, but I would feel uncomfortable going back to the source of most of your problems. No matter what expectations the world has for you and your brother. If your mother is drowning, don’t drown yourself trying to save her.
It won’t just be the wider family’s judgment that makes your decision difficult, it’s difficult because you still have some kind of bond with her. So I can understand why you feel so conflicted. If you want to help, manage her care from a distance and don’t risk jeopardizing the life you’ve worked so hard to build by being sucked back into her orbit. You can explain to her local adult social services – if they are willing to listen – that you and your brother have been neglected and abused and although you are both functioning well now, re-entering her world would put your mental health at risk. Don’t hesitate to seek legal advice on the situation as well. And if you feel like you need therapy again to help keep your boundaries, then please get some (ukcp.org.uk).
Your extended family doesn’t seem to understand what it was like for you and your brother growing up, nor the legacy it left you with, and why you both need the boundaries you put in there for the sake of your health. succeeded in putting in place. . If it doesn’t feel safe to confide in these people, I would encourage you to maintain a distance from them as well.
Other people may find it difficult to understand why we may still be afraid after the dangers have passed because the effects of trauma are often misunderstood. You can tell yourself that you are now safe and in control of your own life, but that won’t necessarily reach the part of you that still feels overwhelmed by your mother. “The body,” as Bessel van der Kolk reminds us in the title of his book on the effects and treatment of trauma, “keeps count.” If I were you, I’d check that by not going back into the lion’s den.
Recommended reading: The body keeps score by Bessel van der Kolk.
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If you have been affected by any of these issues, please get in touch Samaritans at 116 123, or Pay attention on 0300 123 3393
Philippa Perry will appear at the Also Festival, 12-14 July 2024 (also-festival.com)
Each week, Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to us terms and conditions
