To the outside world, he seemed to have it all.
At just 34, Kane* has already become a successful business owner. A builder by trade, his income soared for more than a decade, earning him millions. He also invested in real estate and owned three houses on his own.
But beneath the surface, things were different. He struggled with a poor relationship with his parents and was unable to sustain a successful romantic relationship. One of his former girlfriends described him as “emotionally disabled”.
Emotional numbness can be an insidious and debilitating response to trauma, manifesting as a protective mechanism that shields individuals from overwhelming pain. However, while this emotional detachment may provide temporary relief, it ultimately hinders the healing process. Overcoming emotional blunting is a crucial step toward trauma recovery, allowing individuals to reconnect with their emotions and begin the journey toward healing.
Trauma disturbs the emotional and psychological equilibrium of those affected. Whether it stems from personal loss, abuse, violence or a catastrophic event, trauma can leave individuals feeling disconnected from their own emotions and the world around them. Emotional numbness is a common consequence and is characterized by a pervasive sense of detachment, where feelings of joy, sadness, anger and love are muted or completely absent.
Kane said during arguments with his ex-girlfriend of two years, he would simply “shut up”. “I didn’t give her the silent treatment, but I just didn’t want to get involved or react, especially because I knew it would make me angry or upset. In the end, I just ended the relationship like I would a contract at work,” he told me.
Emotional numbness is a survival strategy
When the pain is too intense, the brain protects itself by shutting down emotional responses. While this can help individuals cope in the short term, it can become very problematic when it continues, preventing someone’s recovery.
The journey to overcoming emotional numbing begins with acknowledging its presence and understanding its purpose. It is essential to recognize that this debauchery is not a sign of weakness or a personal failure, but rather a natural response to extreme stress. Accepting this can be the first step in reclaiming your emotional life.
Therapy can help individuals identify and challenge the negative thought patterns that perpetuate emotional numbness. By learning to reframe these thoughts, individuals can gradually re-engage with their emotions in a controlled and safe way. It is also important to address the underlying causes of emotional numbness with the help of a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist. Group therapy can also be helpful. Sharing one’s story in a supportive environment can be deeply liberating, breaking the isolation that often accompanies trauma.
Even practices like trauma-informed yoga, breathwork, and eye movement desensitization and reprocessing (EMDR) can help release the stored trauma from our bodies, facilitating emotional reconnection. It also encourages mindfulness, which helps individuals stay present and observe their thoughts and feelings. This heightened awareness can gradually help someone reconnect with their emotions.
Self-compassion involves treating yourself with kindness and understanding, especially during moments of pain or failure. By practicing self-compassion, individuals can create a nurturing internal environment that supports emotional healing.
Until Kane sought help, he didn’t realize how the entanglement and parenting with his mother, along with his emotionally absent father, affected him. This dynamic left him unable to connect emotionally with anyone in his adult life. He used work and achievement to suppress his emotions, allowing him to avoid them altogether.
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While he viewed his mother as a supportive parent, he realized that as a child he had taken emotional responsibility for her and lost his childhood in the process. He was always the responsible one. In this way, he became numb in an attempt to keep protecting himself from any emotional pain.
As Kane became aware of the lack of intimacy in his life due to his experiences during childhood, he agreed that we should begin slowly to unpack his history in a safe therapeutic environment. He gently began to move toward trusting his feelings and allowing them to guide him to become open and authentic in his relationships with potential partners. This enabled him to expand his life in all areas.
From a growing body of research, we know that early trauma takes a staggering toll on our physical, psychological, emotional and social health. Although trauma plays out in very different ways for different people, Kane now understands that his numbness protected him from feeling the helplessness he often felt. That understanding helped him to better support himself to become more empowered and to regain the agency he had lost due to trauma. He developed resilience and access to greater vitality and openness in his emotional life.
It is important to recognize that overcoming emotional numbness is not a linear process. Progress can be slow, and patience and perseverance are essential. Every small step toward emotional reconnection is a victory, paving the way for deeper healing and resilience.
*Name has been changed for privacy and Kane’s story is an amalgamation of several cases
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In Australia support is available at Beyond Blue at 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and at MensLine on 1300 789 978. In the United Kingdom, the charity Pay attention is available on 0300 123 3393 and Kinderline at 0800 1111. In the US, call or text Mental Health America at 988 or chat 988lifeline.org
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Diane Young is a trauma specialist and psychotherapist at South Pacific Privateone of Australia’s leading trauma, addiction and mental health treatment centres.
