Have you ever wondered about the unspoken moments in your life which can provide more information than a thousand words?
For example, the moment when the waiter asks you and a friend how your food was and you instinctively look at each other and with one look you admit that the fish was too salty, but reply “great, everything was great”. Or the moment in the mall when you pull your teenage son’s hair and he squirms in embarrassment and looks at you to remind you that he’s not five years old anymore.
These moments are difficult to describe because they take place in what writers have labeled the “placeless places,” or the “as-isness” of the moment, the in-between.
So what are we talking about when we refer to these intangible moments? We talk about how we navigate the spaces in our lives, whether it’s how we get on the bus, the kind of music we listen to when we clean the kitchen, or how we negotiate whose turn it is to take care of grandma in the nursing home. to visit In other words, we are talking about how we engage with our world, especially with the people around us, in ways that are sometimes not even accessible to us.
These moments that constantly play out in our everyday lives can be missed or forgotten, but in the world of therapy they are treasure of gold.
John*, a client of mine who lost his family business of over 20 years, was grieving the loss in maladaptive ways that he described as causing him to break down. While he was telling his story about the business and how he felt he had failed his family, he suddenly started talking about his 4th grade teacher and how she would acknowledge his presence with a smile every morning.
It may seem strange that he said this right in the middle of explaining his financial loss and mental health loss, but I noticed an opportunity for exploration. I asked “do I remind you of her” and he immediately replied “yes”. That admission gave us permission to discuss how he feels unseen and how his entire identity revolves around the family business. His greatest fear now was to discover himself and that he might not be good enough.
But what if your in-between wasn’t a gentle hymn?
Alyssa* was 24 when she was sexually assaulted, which led to her developing borderline traits and complex trauma. She tried desperately to ground herself in the here and now, but it was difficult when in between she heard a blaring radio played by her alcoholic father and cigarette smoke reminding her of the assault.
For Alyssa to experience safety, she had to know that it is possible to achieve it in the here and now and this is modeled for her in our therapeutic relationship. Our time together was also an opportunity to provide respite by creating a space of refuge from the outside world, if only for 50 minutes. This case highlights that life in between can also have its challenges.
So why is it hard for us to stay in between?
There are two main factors that come in the way. It is our focus and preoccupation with historical events and past experiences and the harshness of today’s life that makes it difficult to hear our inner self.
When we get caught up in past events, it can pull us right out of the present moment. For example, rather than hearing what a person is saying to us, we may begin to judge their words by what they have done before, even if it is irrelevant to the current conversation.
Breaking through the noise of our modern world presents challenges because we are constantly bombarded with information, leaving no gap to hear ourselves, let alone others. You may have experienced this when trying to talk to your teenager while they are on social media or the constant ads that tell us we need one more item to make our lives perfect.
How do we reclaim some of this silence that occurs in the present moment?
First, we must recognize that the present moment is not perfect, but it is manageable. This is because it is the only moment you can truly influence or change as it happens now, not in the past or future.
The second key is to understand what the biggest challenge is to be here remember to be here. This means that we do not block our thoughts or feelings, but instead let them flow and when we notice our thoughts drifting, especially to less helpful thoughts, we catch ourselves and bring our awareness back to what is happening now.
The problem is not the fact that we drift again and again, it is how we gently bring our awareness back to the moment when we can manage it.
To tune into the in-between and ground your self in the present moment, you can start by noticing and being curious about where you are mentally, emotionally and physically.
Ask yourself: “what am I doing right now, what am I feeling right now, what are my senses telling me right now and how can I be gentle and kind to myself right now?”
These questions may seem simple but difficult to do at the moment, but the more we are able to relate to the present moment in this gentle and non-judgmental way, the more we develop a way of listening, of being, which is wider and more. comprehensive than just existence, but to find belonging and rest in a world full of words.
*Patient samples are amalgamations of people often seen by psychiatrists
In Australia support is available at Beyond Blue at 1300 22 4636, Lifeline on 13 11 14, and at MensLine on 1300 789 978. In the United Kingdom, the charity Pay attention is available on 0300 123 3393 and Kinderline at 0800 1111. In the US, call or text Mental Health America at 988 or chat 988lifeline.org
