Balienation trauma can be an overwhelming experience that can leave deep emotional scars for years, if not a lifetime. Whether it occurs in romantic relationships, friendships, or family dynamics, betrayal breaks the foundation of trust that holds relationships together. Restoring trust is the essential first step in healing and overcoming betrayal trauma. This journey takes time, effort, patience, and – above all – a commitment to rebuild what has been lost.
Sue* was on the verge of retirement when she first discovered that her husband had been unfaithful. “We had planned to do a big trip to Europe for four months when I turned 65, but that fell through when I got emails from another woman,” she told me during our first session.
Sue believed she was in a faithful marriage. Of course there were times when things weren’t easy or perfect, but there was no indication of her husband’s infidelity. There were times when they were busy and not as close or intimate as they used to be as children, parental and financial responsibilities and everything that comes with life’s journey, but she felt that they were still loving, honest and respectful during those times.
The discovery of emails from another woman was by accident. She didn’t look; it wasn’t necessary, or so she thought. The sudden knowledge that he was having an affair was devastating.
She told me in that moment she felt her legs go weak and then the anger came. She wanted answers immediately. How long was it going on? Did he love the other woman? Was all she believed her marriage and life a lie? Were there others? Was her marriage over? Was everything she thought she had built with him real, true, or was it all based on lies?
What is betrayal trauma?
Betrayal trauma occurs when someone we trust deeply violates that trust, leaving us emotionally wounded and vulnerable. This kind of trauma can result from infidelity, deception, financial betrayal or even emotional manipulation. Betrayal strikes at the heart of our relationships, where trust is supposed to provide a safe space for vulnerability, honesty and mutual respect.
When trust is broken, the emotional impact can be devastating. Betrayal trauma is different from other forms of trauma because it comes from those we expect to care for and protect us, such as a spouse, parent, or close friend. The resulting emotional pain can manifest as anxiety, depression, PTSD, and difficulty forming or maintaining relationships in the future.
For those who have experienced betrayal trauma like Sue, rebuilding trust is essential to healing. Without the restoration of trust, both in others and in oneself, the emotional wounds caused by betrayal can persist, leading to further psychological and emotional distress. Healing requires creating a new sense of safety, where vulnerability is possible without the fear of getting hurt again.
The first step: acknowledging the betrayal
Before any steps toward healing can be made, both the betrayed and the betrayer must acknowledge the betrayal themselves. Denial or minimizing the betrayal only prolongs the pain. The betrayer must take full responsibility for their actions, understand the seriousness of what they have done and its impact on the betrayed person.
For Sue, her husband Steve owned up to the betrayal immediately after she discovered the emails. “He apologized over and over, but after 40 years of marriage I struggled to understand how he could do such a thing,” recalls Sue.
For the person who has been betrayed, it is important to confront the feelings of anger, hurt and loss that accompany betrayal. This is often the hardest step, as many people try to suppress or ignore their pain in the hope that it will go away. But acknowledging and confronting the betrayal is the foundation upon which trust can be rebuilt.
How to rebuild trust
It starts with communication: both parties must be willing to have difficult, open and honest conversations about the betrayal and its impact. This involves discussing not only what happened, but also the emotions that arose from it. The betrayer must be transparent and provide the betrayed person with the information and reassurance they need to feel safe. This process may feel uncomfortable and even painful – but it is essential to rebuilding trust.
For the person who broke the trust, consistency is the key in rebuilding it. Consistent actions over time show that they are committed to making amends and rebuilding the relationship. Accountability also plays an important role. The betrayer must be willing to own their mistakes and demonstrate that they are actively working to change their behavior. This may include setting boundaries, seeking therapy, or making lifestyle changes to prevent future betrayals.
Empathy and understanding
Empathy is critical in the healing process. The person who betrayed the trust must be able to empathize with the emotional pain they caused. It is not enough to simply say “I’m sorry” – they must actively work to understand the depth of the betrayed person’s pain and offer emotional support. On the other hand, the betrayed person must also be open to understanding the reasons behind the betrayal, although this does not excuse the behavior.
Setting boundaries
After a betrayal, it is important for both parties to set clear boundaries. Boundaries provide a sense of security and control, allowing the betrayed person to feel safe as trust is rebuilt. These boundaries may include transparency around certain behaviors, increased communication, or restrictions on certain actions. Boundaries give the betrayed person the space they need to heal, while ensuring both parties are clear about what is and isn’t acceptable going forward.
Seek professional help
For many people, rebuilding trust after a betrayal is too difficult to navigate without professional help. Therapy can play a crucial role in the healing process, providing a safe space to explore emotions, rebuild trust and develop coping mechanisms. For the betrayed person, individual therapy can help address the emotional impact of the betrayal, including feelings of worthlessness, anger, and depression. For couples or family members, therapy can provide a structured environment where both parties can communicate openly, learn to set boundaries, and begin to rebuild trust.
Initially, therapeutic intervention would provide space for each person to delve into their individual past trauma, unpack their respective attachment wounds – the impact of which was often unknown to them – and support them to join a support group or spend time take for thought.
Sue became aware of how little she trusted herself now. “How did I not see that?” she would often say in therapy. It was necessary for Sue to allow herself time to rebuild confidence in herself, understanding that others were on this journey and working their way through it.
Trained therapists well versed in relationship betrayal and therapeutic disclosure will work with the couple during disclosure. First, the partner and the betrayed partner will have their own trained therapist and throughout the disclosure, both therapists and the two partners will work together through the process.
While betrayal trauma can feel overwhelming, it is possible to rebuild trust and heal. The process is not linear, and there will likely be setbacks along the way, but with time and effort, both parties can work to create a healthier, more trusting relationship.
*Name has been changed for privacy. Sue’s story is an amalgamation of several cases
