Silence is golden – at least as far as men are concerned. The “strong, silent type” persists as an aspirational archetype, whether you are a man yourself, or simply someone who interacts with them. In popular fiction, the Jack Reacher action novels have sold around 100 million copies. The big man’s catchphrase is, tellingly, not a phrase at all, it’s rather an anti-phrase: “Reacher said nothing.” In film, one of the ultimate images of machismo is Arnold Schwarzenegger in The Terminator: leather jacket, motorcycle and, famously, only 17 lines of dialogue in the entire first film. And at the frillier end of cultural representations of men, people like Heathcliff in Emily Brontë’s Wuthering Heights depend more on their ability to smolder a lady with a glance than on their emotional articulation.
It might work in fiction, but in reality the “boys don’t cry” approach can be dangerous if it leads to men bottling things up or trying to carry their worries alone. Suicide is still the biggest killer of men under 50 in the UK, with men accounting for around three-quarters of deaths by suicide.
Also disturbing, in its own way, is a study referenced in a new documentary Silent Menwho found that when a group of babies were randomly covered with pink and blue blankets, the babies assigned a blue blanket were picked up or touched less than those with a pink blanket. The unconscious attitude of the participating caregivers was that boys did not need to be comforted as much.
“It’s such a simplified example, but it was really, really heartbreaking,” says Silent Men director Duncan Cowles. “It just goes to show that society is going to treat you slightly differently from the start if you’re a man or a woman.”
Silent Men is Cowles’ first feature-length documentary, following a series of award-winning shorts as well as the documentary series Scary Adult Things. He has been compared to Louis Theroux for his pleasant, low-key observational style and the fact that no matter how serious his subject matter, his films have a levity to them. Of Silent Men he says: “I didn’t want it to be like a serious, gritty mental health film, you know? That was actually my concern with the title. I thought, ‘Shut up guys, is this a bit blunt?’ The original title for the film was Scottish Silent Blokes.”
But soon the focus extended beyond Scotland to the rest of the UK. There he met and interviewed a number of men, all of whom in one way or another struggle with being vulnerable. John tells Cowles how his decision to keep a health crisis from his own family led to suicidal thoughts and divorce. Ainslie had trouble expressing his own feelings in the wake of having a baby. And Larry is determined to take Cowles to a retreat for a weekend, where men will be encouraged to open up.
The film took a while to complete – Cowles started making it when he was 26 and is now 34 – and in its finished form is a gently compelling mix of interviews, scenes of Cowles’ own attempts to open up more emotionally become, and soothing footage of bumblebees and flowers captured in slow motion. It plays with documentary form throughout: Cowles feels you might want a timeout at the midpoint, so breaks midway through a talking head’s sentence. It may touch on some dark subjects, but it’s not a punishing watch.
This is completely intentional. “I don’t think enough documentaries use humor in the right way, and people shy away from it because they think [male mental health] is a serious subject. So it should be. This is something that is serious. But it’s hard to get people to watch independent documentaries, so I really wanted to have that balance of humor with a very serious subject, which hopefully makes it a more accessible film.”
That approach is perhaps where the Louis Theroux comparisons come from, although where Theroux throws himself into white supremacist communities and interviews with Jimmy Savile, the Cowles approach – so far – seems to be more about hanging out in bars and with regular guys to talk Is it fair? “Yes. Duncan Cowles’ Super Mundane Weekends, that could be my next pitch. Actually, the other day someone was like, ‘Oh, you should do a documentary on Louis Theroux, that would be funny.’ However, I don’t know if he would necessarily want it.”
Cowles’ influences are not limited to Theroux – he also cites documentary maker Nick Broomfield, reality-and-fiction-blended comic Nathan Fielder and absurdist Swedish writer Roy Andersson as points of reference. “Although Roy Andersson’s work is fiction, I like the way he exaggerates the everyday kind. And there is a real gloom. Like, it’s super-depressing at points, but also really funny.”
That dichotomy comes through nicely in Silent Men, especially in a key scene that forms part of Cowles’ journey in the film, where he tries to tell his own parents that he loves them. Part of the point of his quest, which is part therapy, part road trip, is that he hopes he can actually sit down and say “I love you” to his mom and dad. He does this while filming them and capturing his own reaction on another camera.
For some families, the scene is probably startling. How is it possible that this guy has never told his parents “I love you”? How is it possible that they have never told him back? But that would be too relatable for large parts of the UK, where family love is assumed but rarely spoken aloud. In his father’s response, you can see why the focus here is on men’s problems with articulating emotion. Cowles senior has an instinct, which seems more and more like a compulsion the longer the scene plays out, to subdue the moment, to bow, to avoid, to make jokes.
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When Cowles junior finally spits it out and says he loves them, anyone who has seen any reality TV or Hollywood movies will expect to hear the parents say it back to him. Their response is gentle acceptance, but they don’t explicitly return the sentiment, and watching the moment where that measure of storytelling would normally arrive is mildly disorienting. It’s something that also caused some tension for Cowles, who says he intended to play it as an upbeat moment as he fulfilled his quest and said those difficult words. He was surprised to find that audiences experienced it differently, and pitied him.
“I was quite annoyed!” He laughs. “I wanted people to see it the way I saw it, but now I can see what they mean. You can see disappointment in my face, so I don’t really hide it. It’s a funny one: they’re a bit uncomfortable, and then they go make a cup of tea and life goes back to normal and nobody talks about it again. But there’s more truth to that, I think, than what you see in reality TV and stuff. Reality is the exact opposite of reality TV. It shouldn’t be called reality TV at all.”
This is part of the reason why the film, modest as it is, is so resonant as a piece about mental health. It’s not trying to say that if you’re struggling, one conversation will be transformative. But what it does do is highlight the importance of taking the first step and talking to someone. “There is not one fixed thing. It’s not, ‘Go cry and listen to some music and then you’re sorted.’ Those kinds of things can be a coping mechanism, but they are not fixes. It’s a gradual thing to adjust your life and try to improve it in different ways.”
That journey will look different for different people and, as Cowles says, it’s not about completely reinventing your personality. In the sequel, Terminator 2: Judgment Day, Arnie is no longer a silent killing machine. He’s still a killing machine, but he’s a kinder, more communicative one. He was reprogrammed and began to learn about human emotion. As he puts it: “Now I know why you’re crying.” Slowly but surely, silent men, or some of them anyway, may be on a similar trajectory.
Silent Men is in cinemas from November 19 for International Men’s Day.
In the UK and Ireland, Samaritans can be contacted on freephone 116 123, or email jo@samaritans.org or jo@samaritans.ie In the US you can call or text National Suicide Prevention Lifeline on 988, chat further 988lifeline.orgor SMS HOME to 741741 to connect with a crisis counselor. In Australia, the crisis support service Lifeline is 13 11 14. Other international helplines can be found at befrienders.org
