The question I am a woman in my 30s and I find that I can find conversation unsatisfying. When I’m with new people I find that I either have a bit of commentary in my head or I listen a lot to their problems because they can judge things and I feel like they are pouring on me. Such a conversation feels unsatisfying. It’s not a feeling I get from older friends, where sharing and taking turns are mostly natural and comfortable.
I notice that on dates someone can tell me anecdotes and I feel they don’t connect with me – sometimes a man will describe the plot of a film to me and I might feel desperately bored and long to ask a question about asking myself or having a little back and forth about what is happening in the present moment. Should I push that bit through until I get to the comfortable conversation and parity stage?
I find it easy and fun to meet and talk to people in shops, on the bus, etc., and consider it a real pleasure in my life. But on the other hand, I often feel that I have to make reassuring noises as sometimes people start talking about quite heavy, difficult things. For example, today I met a woman for the first time and she started telling me about the problems in her marriage and with her teenage son. I felt a little trapped. I think I would have preferred to have a more surface-level conversation. Especially since I don’t think I’ll see her again. I wonder if I find it hard to take up space in conversation, so let other people talk instead. I would appreciate your insights and advice.
Philippa’s answer I have a mischievous friend who is never bored at parties. Their trick is to always take two drinks. If they fall into a conversation with someone they find attractive, they share the extra drink with that person, if on the other hand they feel bored, they excuse themselves and say they have to give this drink to someone else. Of course, I cannot condone such ambiguous behavior!
I think you are fine. You don’t sound like you’re self-conscious – the usual stumbling block when it comes to connecting with new people. It’s more that you get bored if someone doesn’t interest you. Not all people are our people and that’s okay. It’s great that you want more out of your conversations with new people, but you’re not obligated to act as a counselor or listen to irrelevant anecdotes. By setting boundaries, practicing taking your own space, and looking for people who can relate to you rather than talk down to you, your encounters can become more rewarding.
So how do we do it? When you feel that the other person is taking up too much space, take some back for yourself. Share what’s on your think, maybe share some of those comments that are going on in your head. To the woman who told you all her problems with her husband and son, you might even say, if it’s true for you, “Wow, it’s too much too soon for me!” Or, if you prefer to be more tactful, you could try sending to a new topic with something like, “Gee, you’re going through a lot, I hope things get better. Try and see Couples therapy with Orna Guralnik. This is a great series. I’m looking for a new thing to stream next, any recommendations?” It might bring things to an embarrassing and shuddering halt, but it can be less boring than feeling like you’re being run over.
Until the unsatisfactory dates, you can also share what is happening for you. For example: “I feel like I’m being talked to rather than related.” It may not make the encounters more meaningful to you, but it just might. I have a similar phobia about movie plots being glorified for me. I always interrupt and say, “Sorry, I can’t stand movie plots.” This is an example of setting a boundary. And it doesn’t matter if they don’t like it, the meeting didn’t work for you anyway.
You can also ask for what you want. You can say something like, “I asked you three questions about yourself, now I want you to return the compliment and ask me something.” You are allowed to take up space and steer conversations in directions you are more interested in. You are also allowed to go out. If a date is boring, don’t waste your time. Mumble something about no chemistry and leave. If a date is broadcasting to you, that’s a possible red flag.
Maybe when you feel bored with others, you are afraid to do the same to them. There is always a risk that we will bore other people when we steer the conversation to topics that interest us, but on the other hand how wonderful when we get a chance at something that feels like a connection. But sometimes two people just don’t click because there isn’t enough overlap for them to do so, it’s not that either of them did anything wrong.
For more information on how we connect, try The book you want everyone to read that you loveby me
Each week, Philippa Perry addresses a personal problem sent in by a reader. If you would like advice from Philippa, please send your problem to askphilippa@guardian.co.uk. Submissions are subject to us terms and conditions
