Hlike someone ever told you to “stop worrying” or that “it will all work out in the end”? Doesn’t really help, does it? After more than 10 years of working with clients as a psychotherapist, I am acutely aware of the headspace that worry and anxiety consume. I know how uncertainty can taint otherwise wonderful experiences, catch us restless in the dark while those around us sleep, and find us living much of life from a fixed position.
As a child, I was full of worry, having lived through one of my own worst scenarios: losing a sibling. No matter how many times someone told me not to worry, it never quieted the thoughts and fears in my mind. How can anyone reassure me that the worst probably won’t happen when in one way it already has? We reassure each other that “it’s okay, no one is judging you”, or “I’m sure that medical test will come back clear”, but these well-meaning words don’t tend to provide much of the reassurance we crave, because we know good that bad things do happen, we do is judged by others and there is always a chance that the test will come back positive.
Plowing endless energy into trying to control the uncontrollable keeps us all tired and upset. The fact is that ignoring fears doesn’t make them less real, it makes them more powerful. After years of struggling with my own anxiety, I decided to try another way – and it changed my world.
Instead of doing everything I could to minimize and avoid life’s uncomfortable truths, I sought a deeper acceptance of them. By using this approach, I discovered that anxiety finally began to loosen its grip. In researching my book, I discovered 10 uncomfortable realities that many of us are afraid to face – ways that you can thrive in the midst of these uncertainties and embrace more of the joy of life, despite being fully aware of what is at stake.
1. Some people don’t like me. Ask yourself this. If you are planning a vacation, would you trust an opinion given by someone who has never set foot in the country? Of course you wouldn’t. You will ask advice from someone who has visited, stayed in a great place, eaten in the city. Remember that next time you find yourself ruminating over someone’s judgment of you. If they don’t really know you, does their assessment deserve to take up so much bandwidth in your mind?
2. I’m going to fail. If you’re someone who’s afraid of failing, or you find your inner critic kicking in when something doesn’t go the way you’d hoped, ask yourself if your expectations were realistic. Remember, failing at something doesn’t mean you’re a failure, it just means something didn’t work out the way you hoped, either because your expectations were sky high, something happened beyond your control, or because you ‘ a person who sometimes makes mistakes.
3. Life is not fair. We can spend so much energy shaking our fist at life’s balls and feeling the injustice of situations we see happening to or around us. It is important to seek fairness despite the fact that life is not inherently fair. Bad things happen to good people, people hurt each other. But feeling like a victim of life’s unfairness can keep us stuck and unmotivated. As we accept that life isn’t fair, and stop shaking our fists, we free up energy to take a small (or big) step to do something about it.
4. I will hurt people I love. Oh, the things we swallowed and the truths we didn’t tell for fear of hurting people. The thing is, by avoiding honest (though sometimes difficult) conversations, we’re not protecting our precious relationships as much as we’d like to think – we’re welcoming an elephant into the room. It is your responsibility to be authentic and to do so as kindly as possible, but you cannot control how someone chooses to respond to that honesty. A good relationship can withstand healthy boundaries and difficult conversations.
5. I cannot always be fully present. We are encouraged to be more mindful in our daily lives, but this can add pressure. Our minds are created to jump between awareness of the past, present and future. Instead of feeling guilty for not being “present enough”, here’s a piece of advice. Stop every now and then, look around and let your eyes rest on something beautiful, intriguing or interesting. Breathe in and acknowledge what is going on in and around you. Now, as you reflect on your day, which may have passed in a busy blur, these are the moments that stick with you.
6. People misunderstand me. It can feel painful when, despite trying to articulate yourself, someone doesn’t “get” you. You can feel isolated and self-questioning when you don’t have two or three people in your life who truly understand where you’re coming from. Consider who those two or three people might be and invest in those relationships, taking steps to be open and honest with those you feel safe with and care about. Nurturing these relationships means it takes the pressure off and disempowers the importance of others “getting” you.
7. I’m not good enough. If you are experiencing a feeling of “not being good enough”, it may very well be because you are not. Ask if you don’t feel good enough because the standard of expectation you have set, or has been set for you, is simply too high to reach alone. Sometimes when we question whether we are good enough, it is important to recognize that we may be asking ourselves “am I perfect enough?”. Modifying the standard of expectation to reflect your humanly limited resources means you will find that more often than not you are “good enough” to achieve it.
8. Bad things will happen. Anxiety can make life feel like you’re in a waiting room for bad things to happen, meaning you miss out on the joy, adventure, and rest that are there for the taking. Next time you feel a wave of anxiety roll over you, or you find yourself ruminating over worst-case scenarios, repeat the mantra, “I’ll cross that bridge when I get to it.” It also serves as a reminder that you have crossed and survived many bridges of challenge so far. The “if” reminds you that many of the things you fear do not come to pass. It invites you to focus your attention on what is happen rather than what may happen.
9. I will lose people I love. It’s a big one, isn’t it? The instigator of nightmares and the theme of our worst case scenarios. Sadness and loss are the flip side of the richness that love brings into our lives. If your fear of loss casts a shadow over your enjoyment of the relationships you have, look for stories from those who have journeyed through healthy grief and found ways to build their lives. Talk to friends who have lost loved ones and are still alive and thriving. When I fear that I cannot withstand the grief of losing one of my children, I consider my mother living a full and happy life despite the endless awareness of who is missing.
10. I’m going to die. In my book I talk about a friend who told me she often felt aware that she was standing in one massive queue to her death, and had no idea of her position in the queue, nor could she change it . At first I found it quite horrifying, but over time I found it quite liberating. Keeping a gentle awareness of life’s limitations in mind can prompt you to live more fully and in alignment with your values. When I get to the end of my life, I want to be happy that I prioritized my relationships and didn’t sweat the small stuff, so it motivates me to live in line with that value now. what about you
It can be confronting to see these truths in black and white. But we know, deep down, that these are truths none of us can escape, and the less mental space fear takes up, the more space you’ll create for joy and authenticity.
There is an African proverb that captures my motivation behind seeking more acceptance of these truths. It reads: “When death finds you, may it find you alive.” I don’t want to wait until a curveball trauma forces me to be grateful for the joys in my life and the limited opportunity I have to embrace them, nor do I want to wait until I’m older and (more) gray to not to give less what others think. I don’t want to live half a life that happens through fear of failure or bad things, and I don’t want you to either.
The Uncomfortable Truth by Anna Mathur is published by Penguin Life at £16.99. Buy a copy for £15.29 from guardianbookshop.com
